Why Men Should Read This Before December 24

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So, December’s here and we’re all done shopping, now what should we do? I’m kidding of course. If you’re completely done shopping, nobody likes you. Kidding again, of course. People only dislike you if you’re done shopping and brag about it.

I have to admit, I’m almost done, which should impress you because I’m a woman, which says a couple of things about me, gift-wise. One, I have more shopping to do than your average male persuasion and two, I’ve done none of my shopping at the grocery store and, will most likely not do any gift shopping there, even on the traditional HCCiT (Holy Crap, Christmas is Tomorrow?) Day, which is mostly observed by those with a Y chromosome.

I understand I’m being unfair to you dudes who started shopping in September, purchasing thoughtful and unique gifts for everyone on your shopping list, including your mom, without consulting with the females in your life, but that’s only because none of you guys have done that.

The truth is, only 23% of men have bought even half of their Christmas purchases by December 23 and only 42% will have completed their gift shopping by December 24, which is why they made Walgreen’s. (Yes, I made up those statistics based on my experience, although I will deny this if called upon to testify in court on the matter. I don’t fear perjury charges because I’m fairly certain there is no penalty for making up statistical research or political pollsters would need their own prison.)

At this time, I want to mention that my husband has offered up some pretty great Christmas gifts and I, in no way am insinuating or coming right out and saying that he has ever visited Jewel on the night before the holiday. He saves those trips for my birthday and our anniversary.

Last Christmas was the year of the Coldplay tickets which has given him at least another five years of bragging rights. However, for those of you guys who have yet to shop for the women in your life, I’m going to do you a solid and advise you, thus making it possible for you to attend this year’s Christmas Eve celebration without the anxious feeling that comes with not knowing if the drug store is still open.

The first rule about buying the perfect gift for your lady friend is that there are no rules. While one woman would open a box with a hand sander in it and proceed to test it out on you LP collection, another might squeal and offer you thanks that need to be whispered so as not to trouble the children.

It’s been my experience, however, that the majority of women do not enjoy gifts that imply that work needs to be done and that her significant other is politely pointing this out by supplying the tools with which to do so. Here’s a quick, but not complete list of items most women will take as a hint and therefore, hate you on Christmas morning.

Irons
Vacuums
washing machines
lingerie

Once again, to illustrate the yin and yang of the gift giving conundrum, I asked for a vacuum one year and received it. I was planning to feign surprise just for fun, but my son, who was four at the time, informed me that he was going to keep quiet about the vacuum I would soon be receiving from daddy just as daddy had asked him to do. I was more amused by this than his father.

Another consideration is that most women will retaliate in some insidious way and when you least expect it if you purchase a gift which appears to be less for her than, say…you. For instance, if my husband bought me season tickets to an sports related activity, I would be less than pleased, which is to say, I’d make an appointment with a lawyer. My sisters-in-law, on the other hand, would do the happy dance. If you are a married man and don’t know which type of response you would get in this situation, there is no accounting or sympathy for you when you end up permanently damaged.

Clothes or jewelry are a good choice, so long as you include a gift receipt and promise not to pout when she uses it. In fact, you should thing of these items more as a gift certificate, which is always appreciated.

There are those women who simply make a list and hand it over in a timely fashion thus insuring that she will get something she would have bought herself and thereby saving disappointment and hard feelings on Christmas morning. This takes all the fun out of gift giving, but to each their own.

In my opinion, and I am never wrong, most women want a gift that says; I know who you are, I listen to you, I want you to be happy without consideration of cost or difficulty of obtainability. I want you to offer up your feelings in the form of a wrap-able gift, but only if your feelings do not need to be discussed with a psychiatrist.

Clear enough? Just make it perfect. Don’t screw up because this is life or death stuff. No pressure and no Walgreen’s. Good luck and godspeed.

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3 responses »

  1. My wife and I don’t spend as much time together as we once did. This isn’t because of any problems in our relationship, but more so that I’m working full time and also going to school full time. She told me that she updated her amazon wishlist with some things she wants for Christmas, and when I went to look, there were things that I expected to see: Books, DVDs, jewelry, etc… There was also a whisk. A whisk? Really? Ok, I’ll buy that. You asked, you get. I wonder if it’s a joke, but then I heard her telling a friend of ours, “It’s ok if you don’t like what’s on my wishlist, it’s not for you!” So, for whatever reason, she really wants a whisk. I would, as per your advice, typically avoid buying her a kitchen item like this, as it sends the message that I want her to “get back in the kitchen.” But this year, she’s getting a whisk. I’ll put a fancy red bow on it and hope that she wasn’t joking. (I also got her other, more thoughtful, gifts as well. not JUST a whisk.)

    • When a lady wants a whisk, you get the lady a whisk. Direct requests override the work to be done rule. (See vacuum) Most importantly, you’re complying with the “know me, listen to me rule.” Good job, my friend!

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