Why newspaper?

A Woman Reading A Newspaper

No, this is not meant to represent the most current example of a woman reading a newspaper.

I was reading the newspaper today. I know this can be confusing to some people who might mistake that sentence to mean I was reading the news as produced by an online service or ironically reading news which was meant to be typed on paper and delivered to one’s door, and was instead ingested it on-line.

What I mean to say is, I was reading the newspaper…

noun: news
newly received or noteworthy information, esp. about recent or important events.
noun: paper; plural noun: papers
material manufactured in thin sheets from the pulp of wood or other fibrous substances, used for writing, drawing, or printing on, or as wrapping material.

…as God intended; printed up, tossed into a non-recyclable bag and retrieved from the shrubbery because my stupid dogs refuse to understand the history of newspapers as it presented on television.

There are multiple reasons why news should arrive on your doorstep, mainly so your neighbors can see what you wear to bed and at what time you awaken, in order to make further judgements about you after they’ve discussed your car, the color of your house and the type of people you allow inside.

Luckily for me, most people have departed their homes, already dressed in their laughable fashions and driving off in their less than acceptable vehicles by the time I stagger out of bed, feed my dogs and head outside to find out what happened yesterday.

A-ha some of you may be thinking, because you’re at work and people who shout a-ha at work are then required to share their astonishingly inventive idea. Whether you have an astonishingly inventive idea is relative but it shouldn’t involve animals doing your work for you. Trust me, I used to be a preschool teacher.

No, you’re a-ha is more of a, “I have bettered your argument that newspapers are better than on-line news sources as papers are slightly lagging in new information and thus not in keeping with the very definition you have put forth.”

Oh, shut up.

Do you now see the main reason why newspapers are better? Had I been reading your (my) opinion online, I would feel compelled to suggest that you cease expressing your typically arrogant opinion and continue to compare you, no matter how tenuously, to Hitler in a little box which is labeled “comments”. (It’s mandatory to invoke Hitler by the third comment of every disagreement on-line. I’ve read
this online so it must be true.)

Meanwhile, this morning, I yelled at my newspaper at least six times and the person whose opinion I was violently opposed to was none the wiser. If I felt determined to be certain that I thought that the folks protesting at the capital would have probably stayed home if children were starving but, in this case, got dressed in their laughable clothing and drove in their less than acceptable cars for miles, simply because they think of themselves as better human beings then the rest of the populace and also feel the need to write Hitler on a placard, I would have to take action which requires time and thought.

Sadly, if I want to inform someone who has attempted to prove themselves an imbecile in the newspapers that they have been successful, I have to write a civil letter to the paper, which must be considered civil by an expert in civility before publication.

This does not happen on-line. I have commented on the lives of celebrities and the importance of a global economy with the exact same level of commitment and hostility and, had I read these same articles in the newspaper, I would have once again startled my dogs with my loud protestations and then turned the page. Why? Because other people are wrong and they need to know it online. In the paper? Not so much.

Now one might reasonably say, don’t read the comments.

Shut up! You remind me of Hitler with your nonsensical nonsense. And that couldn’t be said on letters to The Editor of The Chicago Tribune. You’d need to say something more along the lines of:

After reading the article in last week’s Tribune concerning the events occurring the week before, I feel the need to point out similarity between the protestors and a certain historical figure whose mustache left a lot to be desired. It might be better if those trooping around the capitol building make the attempt to keep their misguided and uninformed opinions to themselves.

Upon proofreading the letter, I’d realize I’d just said “Shut up, Hitler” and the editorial board would be unlikely to print it upon which time I would hit delete and wander off.

And that’s why newspapers are better. Part One.


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