Monthly Archives: February 2015

Why Parents Should Be Particularly Wary of This Immigrant

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Why Parents Should Be Particularly Wary of This Immigrant

Sometimes an issue is so overwhelming that it can be hard to clarify a position on the subject. That’s why I’ve created a very short list of questions designed to help you, the reader, come to a conclusion on one of the most difficult subjects of our time. The other issue is how to use your electrical devices once your kid leaves for college, but that’s for another time.

So, answer these question yes or no.imagesYou don’t have to keep score or write anything down, just answer yes or no and don’t wander off and I will tell you where you stand.

Ready?

If an immigrant were to cause grievous harm to you in order enter the country would you still want this person to be allowed to immigrate into the USA?

If upon arrival an immigrant were to rely on you for food, housing, and all of his or her basic necessities would you want this person allowed in?

If this person had no knowledge of the English language?

If this person expected to go to school on your dime?

If this person had particularly dirty habits?

If this person were to loudly disturb your rest?

And finally: If this person were drooly and poopy and cried incessantly for no apparent reason, then what?

If you answered no to any of these questions it is not time for you to have a baby. If you answered yes, you’re an empty nester and have ordered tissues straight from the manufacturer since school started in September.

Pretty close, wasn’t I?

If, once you had completed this test, you were on the verge of painting signs and standing next to the Post Office protesting, this the wrong site for you, but thanks for up-ticking my counter.

Now, I realize there are some of you who are feeling nit-picky because the questions were formed to make you think we were talking about immigration. For those people, I have a question: What’s the second thing most babies hear after an announcement of their gender?

And your answer is? If you answered “what were we talking about?”, welcome to my husband’s world. If you answered Welcome to the World! Bingo! A baby is an immigrant.

Let’s go over these questions once more. Many of you who encountered the painful arrival question thought ‘that’s why we have drugs’, but some of us didn’t get the drugs and some of us got a broken Coccyx instead and some of us only expecting a little gratitude and the return of our babies immediately because 26 is just too young for this wild world.

Next? Obviously, your baby can’t make demands that you care for him or her for 18 plus years but it is the custom and dropping your baby off with the nice lady next door and heading west is frowned upon. So, pony up!

As far as not speaking English, that’s kind of cute for the first two weeks, but if you’re going to summon people to your bedroom at 3 AM with an ear piercing screech you better be able to at least make up a story on what’s wrong. Imagine someone screaming on your porch at 3 AM waking you from a lovely dream, causing you to put you nice warm toes on the ice cold floor. When you fling open that door would you begin to guess what was wrong with this person or chase him away with an object lifted over your head? How do I know what kind of objects you have at your house? Fill in that part yourself. AM

As all parents know, kids expect to be sent to school without complaint, especially not concerning your hard earned money for “school supplies” or “shoes”. And this is before college! Start saving when you’re a new immigrant and you may have enough to send your money hungry eating machine away to school causing the price of tissues to soar through the roof at home.

As far as dirty habits, I know of more than one child who used excrement as a medium to express their angst about whatever babies are upset about, mostly Target from my experience. But if your creative baby does this sort of thing, rejoice! He or she may grow up to an artist! Or a musician! Or an actor! Or a worker at McDonalds! Same thing!

So, there you have it. If you are over 25 or 30 and younger than Hugh Hefner if you’re a guy, you too can own your own little bundle of immigrant and watch helplessly as they steal your time, rest, money, ability to talk like an adult, (First two years only. Seriously.) and heart. Did I mention that?

They’ll steal your heart and never give it back. So plan accordingly. Have all of your fun now because you’ll never have a moment’s rest from worrying about them and the place where your heart used to be will ache consistently when they leave, taking that particularly valuable organ with them as well as your extra crock pot and mismatched place settings. You can’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s what happens when you have open immigration.